I’M BACK!!!!!!!!!!!! (for REVENGE)

I’m not exactly sure what I’m seeking revenge for, but there’s always something to complain about, and whoever tries to tell me that directing intense, unwarranted, seething hatred at pseudorandom targets is not their favorite pasttime of all time is going to become my next target.

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I feel like my sophomore year was dominated by dining hall breakdowns where I would just start bawling in front of my meal and a poor, caring person who had to deal with it all (the food at school is actually really quite good, in general, BUT I CAN’T HELP IT).  But then that ended, which I was very appreciative of (Imagine a sophomore year that lasted for more than a year!!  … OH my god, I think I just came up with a storyline for the next best horrible horror film), and then an amazingly wonderful summer came around, which was the cause of my long-standing hiatus.  That is, if you discount the part where I got assaulted, and when I oxidized my lungs, and that horrible day when I bought a pair of flats and then got followed up a flight of stairs by a random old dude, and then some other rando guy tried to crash my sulking party.

2013 was also the year I kept breaking my own heart.  I say this like I am older and wiser than those days, but it’s still 2013, so I’m still a dumb shit (2014 is when I get to start that GeniusJuice clinical trial =D).  But it’s good because what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, and things you break become even better when you try to fix them because then no one will want to steal your taped-over iPod because its completely shattered screen will probably cut them when they touch it =D =D

Speaking of broken things, that actually somehow brings me back on topic to my REVENGE mUAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAAH.

Thank god because I was really unsure of how to continue writing this post, since I wrote the above nearly a month ago.

Anywho, I found this CrazySexyCool qipao in a random closet in my house a while ago (yes, it is pretty magical and amazing what I keep discovering in the closets at home; and yes, Ms. Jackson, I AM FOR REAL, though I am in no way sorry that I have a special magic-closet and you don’t.)  I forget because it was so long ago whether I found it splitting at its seams or whether it exploded when I tried to put it on because I actually actually gained like 3 pounds this year (LE GASP!!!!!!!!!) (Only 397 more to go~ =D), and it puts my days of wearing mega-tight jeans to school (circa 8th grade) to shame by being EVEN tighter than those size 0 “hip-huggers”, or, more accurately: I<3vanitysizingandencouragingunhealthyeatinghabitsinyounggirls death-grip-pants.  But I’m pretty sure it was found that way, and so one day a [shorter] while ago, I sewed it back up and then tried to put it on, and then this happened:

I couldn’t really get it on……

I really liked the qipao, though, and it would have definitely fit if the zipper were longer (I am so not in denial)(In fact, I am never in denial and was most certainly not almost stuck in a size 2 dress at an H&M dressing room today for about half an hour before my mom came to save me), so I decided to try my hand at sewing on a new zipper!  This was a monumentally grave and momentous occurrence because I had never sewed on a zipper myself before (except for the end that was splitting out of its seams that I sewed up, and even then I was almost too nervous to say hi), AND there are these things called zipper foots that you’re supposed to put on your sewing machine’s foot for sewing on zippers (Can you tell that that’s all I know about zipper foots, and I only inferred this from their name?), but I didn’t have any of those, so I just wung it.

But then IT WORKED.  And, more importantly, IT FIT.

Looking damn sexy in a new outfit is the best revenge.

=P

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BANANAAA DUMPLINGS

The worst thing in the world is an old, black, rotting banana spawning fruitflies.

Also one that’s OOZING BANANA JUICE?!?!?!!??!?

But even worse is that banana phase when there are enough spots on the banana that no one wants to eat it, so my family makes ME eat it.  LOOK WHAT THEY MAKE ME DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.  SAVE MEEEEEEEEEE AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.  IF I DON’T GET A-PRUS, DEY’LL MAKE ME EAT ARR DA BRACK BANANAAA.

Good thing I get all the A+s.

As a consequence, all the black bananas keep piling up, though.  Which are perfect for baking!  But the only banana recipes that you ever find are laaaaame, like banana bread or banana muffins or banana bread batter in muffin tins, and they’re all the same boring thing.

So I used my Azn senses (^_^) to find something exotic and more exciting, and I found these BANANADUMPLINGS!!!

They looked supercute, but as I read on, I realized it was just another IMPOSTOR.  THESE ARE NOT DUMPLINGS.  THEY’RE JUST CUTE LITTLE ORIENTAL-SOUNDING PANCAKES!  YOU CAN’T FOOL ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

But they taste really good.  I felt really bad for liking this fake Chinese food (faker than that Panda crap you guys eat every Friday night!) (actually, wait no, I think that’s really panda crap they feed you.  It’s cheap.  Y’know…  Made in China.), so I ate some bread to console myself.  But then the Azn inside of me cried a little.

You can’t win, I learned.  NEEDZ MAOR A+!!!!!!!!!!  Always.  At least until you reach OVER 9,000…..  Then I don’t know WHAT to do =/

I guess I’ll just have to find moar banana recipes.

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Anyway, this one isn’t half-bad.  I prefer to think that it IS because I’m an optimist.  They say always being all negative really makes you a Debbie Downer.

I also really enjoyed using the most versatile kitchen utensil in the WHOOOOOOOOOLE WORLDDDD.  Not only can it whisk and whip, it can also mix and mash, all in just 30 SECONDS!!  And if you call now, you can get not ONE but TWOOO for the low low price of $19.95.  Three times.  BUT WAIT—–THERE’S MORE!

That’s what they told me at the grocery store.  The “MORE” part was a ladle, which sounded really useful at the time, but then I realized it was just a cheap trick to get me to buy the whisks.  But it was worth it cause I am SO. GLAD. that I have two whisks.  You people with one don’t know what you’re missing.

I use one whisk to do normal whisk-y things and the other whisk to mash up bananas =D

It was pretty easy making the batter, since IT WAS PANCAKE BATTER o_O

The hard part was eating them all.  There were SO MANY.  The recipe said it “makes about 16 dumplings”.  Well, IT’S ALL LIESSSSSSSSSS.  LIES I TELL YOU.  “I’ll always love you.”  WHAT A LOAD OF PANDA SHIT.

It was also difficult to eat them because they were SO CUTE.

Look at the little heart I made!

And then the last one looked like a little baby I made in the frying pan because it had the same little flower pattern!

So precious.

I made coconut shortbread.

They look like this:

We don’t own a cookie cutter, so I hand-crafted all fifty states instead.

I’m too lazy to write a full post about it.  Just like that time I was too lazy to study for the SATs and then got a 2400.

Holla at me, mothers.

Bacon and Cheddar Pull-Apart… Biscuits??!?!?!?!??!

I think the only thing that my parents would object to more than me marrying a white guy is me marrying a Muslim.*

NO!  Not because they’re intolerant in addition to being racist!  My dad is just obsessed with pork.  We eat it all the time.  Yesterday, my parents made barbeque pork spareribs.  And there were still some leftovers of pork sparerib pieces steamed with butternut squash.  And we also had some 叉燒

Pork Day is my favorite holiday.

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So due to pork overload, I decided to hold off of on making these until today.

I don’t think I’ve made the same recipe more than once in a year (or possibly even ever) since I discovered the Food Blog because there are SO MANY delicious recipes to try (and, tragically, always so little time).  Even if it’s AMAZINGGGG, I am always more excited about wasting my life browsing through blogs and making millions of to-make lists of new recipes.  An old recipe never makes the cut.  But I felt bad for these biscuits, which I made at school but never properly documented, because at school

So I decided that I had to make them again and write about it.

I also feel bad about choosing these as my one repeat, though =/  Sorry coconut scones!  It’s not you; it’s my brother.  Who likes bacon.  I don’t even like bacon!  So it’s not me, either.  You really thought I was gonna use that line, like my middle school “boyfriend” did?  But the fact of the matter is: the biscuits are cuter.  You were great, really.  But god, it’s just too soon.

Anyway.  Long story short: to justify this drama, I said to those coconut scones that I’m not technically doing the same recipe.  Last time, we sprinkled powdery parmesan meant for pasta-topping instead of adding real cheddar like the recipe says to do, and to add a bit more excitement, I decided to make it more fun to eat.  Hence the pull-apart.

I used extra sharp cheddar because I like my cheese the way I like my men: strong and rich.

One thing I think I could’ve done better last time was make the bacon crunchier.  My brother informed me that the technique for doing so is pouring off the grease as you cook.  So I did.  But APPARENTLY, you also aren’t supposed to throw all 15 strips of bacon into one pan.

Or burn the pan.

But it gives the pan such a well-worn and dearly loved rustic look.  Plus, I totally made a cat in the burnt lard!  =D

Do you see it?

TRY HARDER.

Everything after and including that went well, though, except for the parts that I fucked up (and there weren’t any of those), but then there was too much dough for a small baking pan and too little for a big pan, so I went for the big pan, and it kind of just looks like a messy lump.

One LARDY DELICIOUS BACON LUMP

My dad really liked it, too.  Which means that either it was 1) not cinnamon-y, 2) SUPAR FATTY, 3) pie crust, or 4) all of the aforementioned.  I think if someone used those words to describe my cooking, I wouldn’t be altogether displeased.

I feel kind of gross now, though, from all the butterbaconcheeseflour.  But I scrubbed that pan afterwards, so that probably burned all 11 biscuits’ worth of calories.  I could’ve gone the whole dozen if I wanted to, but I decided to exercise some restraint.

And the biscuits probably weren’t even all that fatty.

Because all the [bacon] grease was in this bowl, and not the biscuits.

All this lard is making me sleepy…

Sometimes I get food comas confused with stroke comas -_____-”

*Fret not, eligible white bachelors and/or wealthy white parents!  I have schemed an elaborate elopement since birth =)

Protected: NEEDZ MOAR AZN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I just made scones. At 4:30 a.m.

They are so good that they are giving me a headache.

Or maybe that’s the sleep deprivation…

Either way, HOLY SHIT THESE ARE THE BEST THINGS I HAVE EVER MADE EVARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.  EVAR EVER EVAH 4-EVA!

I’m obsessed with coconut.  If I weren’t extra careful, I would gain those 400 lbs I’ve been trying to gain since sophomore year of high school in about 2 days.  They may be my favorite fruit in the universe, except I feel like they’re fake outcast loser fruits who get made fun of in school because they’re so fat =/

Sad but true.

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When I found this recipe, I knew I had to make them before moving back into school because one of my roommates is vegan, and I started this tradition for myself of baking something the night before leaving for school.  I think I started it because 1) I <3 baking, 2) kitchens at school usually suck, and 3) giving free food to your roommate is probably one of the best ways to achieve a high standing early on in the year, which gives you a bit of legroom for when you start snoring or forget to put the toilet seat down.

Part of my tradition is starting to bake at around midnight, when no one else is awake because they have to be driving me while I sleep in the car.  However, this year, I decided midnight was too early.  And I also had to start packing then, so baking got a little delayed…

I ALMOST decided to wait until morning and make the scones after getting a bit of sleep, but I was too super excited about them and pumped up on WOOOOOOOO THIS YEAR’S GONNA BE AWESOME adrenaline to go to sleep anytime soon, anyway.

Also, making scones means using the PASTRY BLENDER =D =D

I think it was the best decision of my life to make these scones right then because they are probably the most delicious vegan baked good since sliced bread.  They may even rival my non-vegan blueberry scones, which are made with pure heaven extract and also babies.  Really cute babies.

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And I was totally going to finish this post a looooong time ago, but I started writing it at about 6 a.m., and then school started, and I have a terrible memory and don’t remember how I was going to finish this off at all, and the picture I used isn’t very exciting, but at this rate, nothing is going to be added, so I’ll just hit “publish.”

This skirt sucks.

But not nearly as much as I do [at meeting my personal deadlines].

I blame my little cousin for this one.  It was my intention to finish this sewing project Wednesday morning, but instead of doing that, I had to babysit him.  And this was not some I’m-gonna-get-paid-to-gossip-with-my-girls-during-a-four-hour-long-three-way-calling-session babysitting.  This little guy made me play with him.  WHATTABRAT.

Just kidding.  He’s great.  And supercute.

But seriously, whoever invented “playing” is an asshole.  There is nothing I hate more than not doing work and–god forbid–having fun.  With children, nonetheless.

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So yeah, about this skirt.

I bought it at Walmart (you know this can’t be good) during the start of my I’m-going-to-buy-tons-of-dresses-and-skirts phase, which has yet to end, mostly because my mom didn’t like it and thought it was “childish”.  I hate to admit it, but I think she was right.  Even if she was wrong, this skirt is still awful awful awful because it doesn’t match with ANYTHING because it is approximately a million different colors and at least three (you know how the line between colors in a spectrum doesn’t really exist?).

The way the blue of the skirt clashes with the blue of my shirt is absolutely intolerable.

It’s also kind of see-through O_O

But there’s one thing I like about it.  When I walk down stairs, the RIDICULOUS frill poofs out in a really cool way.

Also, this:

But that wasn’t going to save it from getting completely demolished and rebuilt.  Because shirts are a lot easier to pair with things (jeans) than skirts are (because you can’t wear a skirt with jeans–sad, I know).

I am always in need of more tank tops with wide enough straps to hide bra straps.  I used to be laaaaaaame and really care about visible bra straps, but now I don’t give a FUCK.  (But really, I still think it’s a bit tacky, and I try to avoid it, if possible.)

As always, I got lucky, and removing the cloth that was wrapped around the elastic band yielded a perfect stretch of cloth for making the straps.

I’m still a lucky bastard.

I didn’t take a lot of pictures because I was doing this instead of packing, and it was getting pretty late, so I was just really speedily sewing.  Basically, I cut off a bit of fabric to make it the right width/circumference around my body.  The first time, I kind of picked a random spot that seemed right to sew across to make the skirt-shirt fit, but that was waaaaaaaaaaaay too tight, and I almost gave myself hypoxia when I somehow fit it over my shoulders and wore it.  Then I fixed that, tacked on the straps quickly, and hand-sewed a piece of the front to the side to make it look just a bit less like the original skirt and to give it a bit more character.

I don’t think this picture really does the shirt justice because I actually REALLY like this shirt, and it just looks ok in the picture.  But ohwells.

Please pardon my crazy weird haircut that I gave myself.

My mom hates it, though.  Thus, FUCKING SUCCESS!

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